


I'll Be Good

by castivak



Series: Whumptober 2020 [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Dean Winchester Being an Asshole, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:20:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castivak/pseuds/castivak
Summary: belphegor felt bad for being under their roof, his soul being completely healed of its demonic torture which meant that he had full emotional capacity now and it had only made him feel like shit for the past week that he's been alive.maybe he should've stayed dead.
Series: Whumptober 2020 [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947061
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	I'll Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> Day Nine : Panic Attack.
> 
> this is kind of a prequel to the last work in this series.

"billie brought him back to help us."  
  
"oh yeah, because copy and pasting your body and shoving a demon into it is a great idea."  
  
jack tightened his jaw at dean's words, belphegor watching from his seat on the library steps that went into the war room as everyone argued over his right to live; honestly, he wasn't sure why billie sent him back out, but he was alive and human and with his own body for the first time in a literal million years. he had been spit out of the empty like some bad food and was wandering around for an unknown amount of days before sam fucking winchester found him in an alley during a solo hunt.  
  
belphegor was surprised that sam didn't kill him, he was even more surprised that he brought him to the bunker so that they could figure things out; of course, nobody was happy to see him again and if it weren't for jack, of all people it was the kid who's body he stole, then dean would've destroyed him.  
  
belphegor felt bad for being under their roof, his soul being completely healed of its demonic torture which meant that he had full emotional capacity now and it had only made him feel like shit for the past week that he's been alive.  
  
maybe he should've stayed dead.  
  
"if billie brought him back, then clearly he has some type of role in her plan." sam tried, belphegor surprised to see that people were defending him, expecting to have been skewered by an angel blade already, "does it look like i give a shit about what billie thinks? she's fucking crazy, sam! she fed jack angel hearts and then had him swallow the garden of eden, her throwing a back-stabbing demon our way isn't something that exactly makes sense." he spat before turning to castiel, who was silent for the most part, "you're the one who killed him, cas. you have to be on my side, here."  
  
"dean, he was sheltering inside an alleyway and---"  
  
"you've got to be fucking kidding me!"  
  
belphegor jumped as dean slammed his hands down on the table, his heart leaping into his throat and he instinctively put his hands over his ears, getting the sudden urge to protect someone but having nobody to protect, "he paraded around in jack's body for days and lied to us about probably everything and you want to fucking _help_ him?! belphegor isn't worth a damn fucking second of our time, alright?!"  
  
_you're a waste of everyone's time!_  
  
belphegor's heart hammered in his chest, pounding so hard that he could hear it and he felt the blood rushing through him, his throat feeling like someone was squeezing it and preventing air from getting in, everything in his body telling him to hide in a locked room before dean hurt him.  
  
_i'd be begging Him every night if i were you, bitch!_  
  
"pleasestopyelling."  
  
everyone stopped at belphegor's plea, jack's face fillimg with worry as everyone else looked more confused than anything, "i-i can leave, i'll just leave." he breathed out, barely able to hear himself as it got harder and harder to breathe, scrambling to his feet and not daring to look anybody in the eye; those usually meant a beating when he was this angry.  
  
"we're not---"  
  
" _we're_ not?" dean interrupted, not even letting sam come close to finishing and belphegor's skin got way too hot, his stomach feeling like a rocky sea as his heart pounded and his limbs shook terribly, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat before just heading for the stairs, not daring to say another word as he rushed for the stairs, only to be grabbed by the bicep right before he put his foot on the first step, the contact making him jump out of his skin.  
  
_don't you dare walk away from me, you whore!_  
  
"belphegor--"  
  
"let me go!" he cried, pulling his arm out of what he thinks was sam's hold, stumbling away as he pulled with more force than he needed to, realizing that he raised his voice and he just wanted to get out of here before things got worse, "i-i'm leaving i promise i'm leaving." he rushed out, not wanting anyone to hurt him for staying here, rushing towards the stairs and practicallh running up them, but his legs were so shaky from the adrenaline and fear in his body that he slipped, banging his face on one of the stairs and immediately feeling blood began to pour, struggling to get back to his feet but someone grabbed him and pulling him up into a sitting position, every part of his body telling him that they were about to bash his head into the ground.  
  
"imsorryimsorryimsorry--"  
  
"belphegor, you're hyperventilating."  
  
belphegor didn't even register the words, not even looking up at whoever grabbed him as he curled in on himself, gasping for air and grabbing at his chest, coughing as his body struggled to function; was he dying? this felt like dying. his heart was beating so loud and so fast that it was bound to just explode or he was going suffocate because he couldn't get enough air, the blood from his nose was dripping into his mouth and his gasping was making it go down his throat, causing him to cough and choke.  
  
he was going to fucking die after being alive for literal days, what a fucking joke.  
  
belphegor let out a sob, his body not knowing what to do and making him be as pathetic as possible, shaky hands grabbing the dirty clothes that he's been wearing since possessing jack's body, his own blood dripping onto it as he spit some of it out, his teeth staining red as his most likely broken nose continued gushing blood with no signs of stopping, letting out a whimpery cry as someone put their hands on his shoulders, "do-don't hurt me, pl-please. i-i'll go, i'll go-o."  
  
he couldn't hear a response, everything ringing like static in his ears as his blood rushed through his veins and the beating of his heart made everything incomprehensible, the pungent taste of blood on his tongue making him want to throw up.  
  
everything was too loud, his fingers starting to feel numb from how tight he was grabbing the clothes on his body that weren't even his, his entire body aching and his vision blurry from tears, things getting literally impossible to focus on as the sound of his own blood pumping overpowered everything else.

belphegor felt like he was dying and he honestly wasn't going to object it, feeling like if everyone was this upset with him then his absence wouldn't cause any change, maybe it was how things were actually supposed to be and billie made a mistake.  
  
belphegor was tired, he just wanted everything to stop hurting and he wanted to just stop breathing, his body feeling like it had been replaced with stone and when his brain started to make things fade out, he didn't even dare stop it. letting himself fall to the side and sink into the darkness that he could only assume was the empty, waiting for him to come back.

**Author's Note:**

> don't mind the spelling/grammar mistakes. i'm lazy by nature and don't pay attention to things.


End file.
